remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
