found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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