Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
