You're completely useless in the revolution.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
