woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
