Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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