so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
