He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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