Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
