I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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