I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Sacagawea was the original milf.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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