I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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