My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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