she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
