just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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