Betty ford says i'm here all night
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
