He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
