I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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