there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
