before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
