you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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