If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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