i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
