We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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