Define "chronic" masturbator.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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