He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
