i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
