I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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