Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
