I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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