she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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