that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
