You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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