Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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