That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
