Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
