how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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