She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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