Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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