dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
