You made me cry and you don't even care
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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