So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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