just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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