Tell her she can't have a vagina
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
