I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
