forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
operation have a gay friend backfired
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
