my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
