Pants 0. Shit 1.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
