what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize