Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
