Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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