I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Boobs speak an international language.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
