God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
