It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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