Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
