I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
